Myth 16: It’s God’s Will for You to Suffer: Holiness is More Important than Happiness

This myth, usually wielded against women (but sometime against men), says that they should suffer silently in order to be seen as godly Christian spouses who value "holiness over happiness," believing that suffering is refining them and knocking off the rough edges.

And while it is true that learning to compromise, fight fairly, and solve problems with our spouse can mature us, this myth takes it a step too far. It says you should sacrifice your wellbeing, health, and safety, to uphold the image of having a perfect family, and represent Christianity to the world.

Then the myth says that if unbelievers don’t see your cheerful face, they will not want to follow Christ. Sadly, this message puts all the burden on you for the salvation of the world, which is God's job, not yours. It requires you to perform a big coverup, all for appearances. The truth is: If you are a committed person of faith, and you keep telling yourself that holiness is more important than happiness, or "happiness in marriage is overrated" you’re probably in a destructive relationship. People in safe and respectful relationships don't console themselves this way.

The myth also suggests that any suffering is also your fault for picking a bad mate, saying, “You made your bed; now lie in it.”

But is that fair? Only God knows people’s thoughts. And even if you saw a red flag, you had no idea how unbearable and extreme it would become. You are not responsible for being deceived by someone who presented themselves in the best light, or for praying, trusting, and sensing that the Lord brought you two together.

Abuse is not what God wants for you. And it is bad for your spouse as well. It is immaturity and selfishness run amok. When we read Scripture, we see that God’s will is not for his people to cover up marriage-destroying sin, but for justice and love to triumph and be lifted high. God is against abuse and oppression, and his will is to deliver those who are being oppressed.

And by the way, no one has the right to demand your reasons for divorcing. Not a stranger, an acquaintance, a pastor, your boss, or a random person on social media. You do not need to try to convince others of the rightness of your actions. Only you know what you can take. Only you get a vote.

For Christian men, usually this myth takes the form of “loving sacrificially,” “laying down your life” and “dying to self,” even if your wife is the one who is manipulating or abusing you. In secular circles, sometimes the myth takes the form of the “happy wife, happy life” idea—that if you keep your wife happy by any and all means, your marriage will thrive.

So as we read these verses, keep in mind that these principles also apply to women who abuse their husbands. (For more on male victims of abuse, see Chapter 9 in my book The Life-Saving Divorce, which can be ordered via the link below.)

The Apostle Peter says abusive spouses do not get their prayers answered by God:

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

—1 Peter 3:7 (NIV, emphasis mine)

This verse has two interesting insights. First, when a husband continuously sins against a wife (or vice versa), it leads to having his prayers hindered. It is not biblical for the wife to stay silent in this case.

(See the list of biblical women in Myth Twelve who wisely advised their husbands to do the right thing.)

Second, the word honor in that verse is the same word used in Romans 13:7 for the honor you show to the authorities that God put in place.

… for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. —Romans 13:6b-7 (NIV)

Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor. —1 Peter 2:17 (NIV)

God wants us to honor our spouses, just as God wants us to show honor to all people and to the authorities. And God commands men to be understanding to wives, otherwise their prayers are hindered.

God demands that all believers, regardless of gender, show one another understanding, love, respect, honor, and kindness. It is a sin for a husband to treat his wife harshly.

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. —Colossians 3:19 (NIV)

God is against those who are violent. He sides with and saves the oppressed and the underdogs.

Put away violence and oppression and do what is just and right. —Ezekiel 45:9a (HCSB)

Do not envy the violent or choose any of their ways. —Proverbs 3:31 (NIV)

An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins. —Proverbs 29:22 (NIV)

Rescue me, Lord, from evildoers; protect me from the violent, who devise evil plans in their hearts and stir up war every day. —Psalm 140:1-2 (NIV)

The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. —Psalm 103:6 (NIV)

God does not accept the sacrifices of men who betray their wives.

Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’s altar with tears.You weep and wail because [the LORD] no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.

You ask, “Why?”

It is because the LORD is the witness between you and the wife of your youth.

You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

…So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.

—Malachi 2:13-14, 15b (NIV)

God does not look away when people are exploited.

Each of you must know how to control his own body in a holy and honorable manner, not with passion and lust like the gentiles who do not know God.

Furthermore, you must never take advantage of or exploit a brother in this regard, because the Lord avenges all these things, just as we already told you and warned you.

—1 Thessalonians 4:4-6 (ISV)

These verses show us the heart of God and his will for us: not to suffer quietly to make Christianity look good, but to display his love and his passion for justice, even in our marriages. Sometimes, this means putting an end to abuse by getting out of a dangerous marriage.

Many people say, “God wants loving marriages; Satan wants divorce.”

But in reality—

God wants loving marriages.

Satan wants cruel marriages.

Satan loves the fact that innocent spouses and children are bound to someone who devastates them, humiliates them, betrays them, and treats them treacherously. He loves when Christians suffer abuse quietly, over and over again, for years.

Jesus isn’t like that. Jesus came to set people free.