The tide is turning. In 2015, nearly 3 in 4 Protestant pastors surveyed by LifeWay Research reported they did not view divorce for physical abuse as a sin, according to this study. Pastors who've opposed divorce for anything other than adultery, are changing their minds, for example Calvinist theologian Wayne Grudem (below) shocked the conservative Christian world by changing his mind and accepting physical abuse, emotional abuse, and financial abuse as grounds for divorce in November 2019.
This page is a work in progress. Examples listed in no particular order. I have attempted to find examples from a wide variety of Protestant denominations.
Pastors speak out
Pastor Neil Schori, The Edge Church, Aurora, IL Pastor Neil was a key witness in the Drew Peterson murder case. One of Neil's church members, Stacy Peterson, came to him and revealed that her husband had demanded she lie and cover up his murder of a previous wife. Thirty days later, Stacy, Drew's fourth wife, disappeared. Neil's testimony was key for convicting police officer Drew Peterson. From this experience Neil Schori has become a leading advocate for domestic violence awareness in Evangelical churches.
Here is his Domestic Violence sermon.
Audio: http://www.edgeaurora.com/messages/2019/10/6/hope-in-dry-ground
Video
Pastor Neil Schori also has a basic training video for church staff and volunteers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyWHjYj9iqg
Pastor Sam Powell, First Reformed Church of Yuba City
Pastor Sam has been a long-time blogger on divorce. Here are some of his most popular posts:
Divorce and Tempting God (On the Heidelberg Catechism, question 105: specifically the phrase, “nor willfully run into any danger.” The footnote refers us to Matthew 4:7.)
Staying in an abusive marriage is a way of tempting the Lord your God.
Does the Bible actually say "God Hates Divorce" in Malachi 2:15-16? Part 1 and Part 2 Pastor Sam Powell mentions the difficulties of translating this Bible verse from Hebrew to English (as others have mentioned). In Part 1, he discusses the words sane, as in “he hates”, and the word, shallach is “send away, set free, let go.” He quotes John Calvin:
“This then is the reason why the Prophet now says, If thou hatest, dismiss; not that he grants indulgence to divorce, as we have said, but that he might by this circumstance enhance the crime; and hence he adds, For he covers by a cloak his violence.”
Link to all of Sam Powell's divorce posts.
Sam Powell also discussed the types of pastoral counseling that relies on the their claim to advise based on the Bible alone: The Perils of Nouthetic Counseling
Pastor Steve Daugherty, Crosspointe Church, Cary, NC
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-40-gretchen-baskerville-author-life-saving-divorce/id1435803298?i=1000466510361
Pastor Jeff Crippen, Christ Reformation Church, Tillamook, OR - biblical exposition
https://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=971918715636
Video sermon on Matthew 19.
His blog post urging leaders to get involved: "She’s marrying a sociopath and there is nothing anyone can do about it"
Pastor (Dr.) Peter R. Shaw, Crosswalk Community Church, Napa, CA
Pastor (Dr.) Peter R. Shaw, Crosswalk Community Church, Napa, CA, interviews District Attorney Allison Haley on the topic of domestic violence during a Sunday morning church service. (36-minute video)
Patrick Weaver, Patrick Weaver Ministries, FAITHHILL Church, Oakland, CA
Abuse and divorce are key topics for Pastor Weaver. Here are his top blog posts on the topic: https://patrickweaver.org/he-walks-with-me-blog/
Pastor Jim Scudder, Jr. 1/24/21, Quentin Road Baptist
Calvinist theologian Wayne Grudem. Click to his page, then view his paper "Grounds for Divorce: Why I Now Believe There are More than Two" where he discusses the "uninvestigated phrase" “in such cases” (ἐν τοῖς τοιούτοις) in 1 Cor. 7:15..." He mentions severe verbal and relational cruelty, threats of physical harm or murder of spouse or children, gambling addiction, pornography addiction, etc. In response to objections he writes: "...leaving an abusive marriage with the blessing of the church is a better way to give witness to society that God is pleased when we can help to rescue those who suffer unjustly." http://www.waynegrudem.com/grounds-for-divorce-why-i-now-believe-there-are-more-than-two
Researcher at Cambridge Rev. Dr. David Instone-Brewer. He's written several books on this topic. His 355-page book, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible, goes through the ancient languages, Jewish history, and surveys Christian thought over the past 2000 years. A shorter book for Christian leaders, Divorce and Remarriage in the Church, gives a pastoral slant on the topic. HIs short 7-minute video explanation is easy to understand: Four Causes for Biblical Divorce. His website on divorce and remarriage in the Bible is here: http://www.divorceremarriage.com
Herb Vander Lugt of RBC Ministries (formerly Radio Bible Class) wrote a FREE pamphlet, God's Protection of Women: When Abuse Is Worse Than Divorce, arguing that both physical and emotional abuse are grounds for divorce and supporting it with Scripture. The FREE ebook download PDF is HERE. A physical pamphlet is available HERE: (I recommend making a generous donation.) Foreword by Martin R. DeHaan II.
Pastor Chad Deitz, pastor of Heritage Free Will Baptist Church in Greenfield, CA
Pastor Reuel Sample, The Pastor's Voice podcast
Pastor Sample interviews Gretchen Baskerville. (Three podcasts.) They talk about how many "life-saving divorces" there are—the one-half of U.S. divorces that are for very serious reasons. They discuss why some churches are blind to this, they cannot see the damage being done in abusive marriages in the secrecy of the home. They talk about the spiritual ideology that traps abuse victims with their tormenters, by virtually promising them that if they just pray a bit more, God can (and will) perform a miracle. We talk about the Bible verses never discussed in church; and the passages that condone divorce, even command divorce!
Thomas Horrocks, pastor of Stoneybrook Community Church of God, and chaplain in the Indiana Army National Guard.
"But what I have come to realize is, and let me make sure this is absolutely clear, using these passages of scripture to counsel someone to remain in an abusive relationship is absolutely contrary to God’s intention for marriage. It is, in fact, spiritual abuse. Furthemore, as I have come to learn through further study, the Bible’s teaching on divorce, rightly understood within its historical context, is ALWAYS meant to protect the women. To misuse these teachings to subject women to greater harm is to directly contradict the very intention of the teachings themselves." Read his entire blog post.
Australian theologian Marg Mowczko's blog post gives biblical reasons for divorce based on Paul's writings in 1 Corinthians, and at the end, she concludes:
"Some Christians think all marriages are sacred. Some marriages, however, are diabolical. Furthermore, people are more sacred than marriages, especially abusive marriages. People need to be cared for, protected, and loved, and not unwillingly sacrificed for an ideal. All biblical regulations and instructions, including those about divorce, must be applied with both wisdom and kindness. But please note that I am not promoting divorce. What I do say is this: if a marriage or a home is unsafe, we must not just allow people to leave, we need to help people to leave."
Pastor Todd Bordow, Orthodox Presbyterian Church, wrote What Did Jesus Really Say About Divorce? It's a theological and biblical presentation based on his doctoral thesis. Below is his audio sermon on the topic. (Here is one of his blog posts and a podcast with "The Theology Gals.")
There are many many more pastors, leaders, and theologians who hold this view. I'll add more as I have time. If you are a pastor who has concluded that divorce in the case of physical abuse, chronic emotional abuse, and serious neglect of duty (usually due to addictions) is acceptable groups, and would like to share your insights via podcast, sermon, or article with other pastors, please contact me HERE.
Pastor Jeff Durbin of Apologia Church. Video "Is Divorce Sinful?" PART 1 PART 2 He quotes a lot from Dr. Greg Bahnsen, who also explains how emotional abuse is such grounds for divorce and explains in detail how “fornication” in Scripture doesn’t just pertain to physical intimacy but actually has a broad definition in Scripture.
Mike Kinman, Rector, All Saints, Pasadena, CA
Mike is a pastor who gets it about divorce! In this Facebook post, he talks about sacraments. He compares an abusive Christian marriage with a communion cup with poison in it. They are meant to be holy, but is a communion cup with poison holy? No, it would harm you. LINK.
Would you think that a person who knowingly consumed a communion cup of poison was wise, discerning or godly?
(A similar analogy is also used by Jesus in Luke 13: How can the Sabbath be holy when daughters (and sons) of Abraham are left bound to a destructive spirit by Satan? Jesus said these men treated their animals better than a daughter of Abraham.)
Joshua Sharp, MDiv
Article in the Baptist Standard: Voices: Abuse is biblical grounds for divorce
Pastor Paul Cole of the Christian Men's Network talks about why men abuse (0:00), and the legal requirement for pastors to report physical violence (15:55). Another guest, Annette Oltmanns of the MEND Project, tells her own story, gives examples of covert emotional abuse. She talks about the second-hand abuse from church leaders who don't take verbal and emotional abuse seriously. How to help: Listen for an hour without interrupting. Accept: Believe the experience to be true. Empathize with them. Feel their hurt. Validate: "You are right to feel scared." Encourage: I'm here for you. Ask only one question: "How can I help you?" (They'll respond often with something very simple and reasonable.) Grieve with them.
Pastor Jake Kail, Threshold Church, Lancaster, PA
4 Things the Church Doesn't Know About Abusive Marriages (blog post)
The Church's Response to Abuse (sermon; approx 1 hour)
Sermon Series (Audio)
- Part 1: When Evil Pretends to be Good
- Part 2: Discerning Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing
- Part 3 Walking in Integrity
Pastor David Orrison of The Chapel in Drake, Colorado, has been blogging about narcissists and other dangerous people in the church for many years. He considers it so important he posts on this topic weekly on Fridays, which he has designated Narcissist Friday. Here's a good place to start:
His introductory blog post and definition of narcissism. He has a long blog post on divorce. Summary: He had officiated at many second and third weddings. He acknowledges that Mainline and Evangelical churches have vastly different policies, and he recommends a book, Not In Bondage, by Barbara Roberts, for the suffering spouse, and says it is their decision.
Messianic Jewish pastor, Rabbi Steve Berkson
Evangelist Billy Graham's daughter, Ruth Graham talks about her abusive marriage and encourages others not to stay. You need to protect yourself and the children.
David E. Clarke Ph.D. Retracts His Prior View Of No Divorce For Abuse
Official Statement of the U.S. Conference of Roman Catholic Bishops LINK
"Finally, we emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. We encourage abused persons who have divorced to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment. An annulment, which determines that the marriage bond is not valid, can frequently open the door to healing."
Read more: Scholarly books on biblical reasons for divorce:
Books to Give to Suffering Spouses to Help Them Make Up their Own Mind
3) Unholy Charade: Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church, by Jeff Crippen and Rebecca Davis.
Do You Need Support? I’d like to invite you to my private Facebook group, "Life-Saving Divorce for Separated or Divorced Christians." This is a group for women and men of faith who have walked this path, or are considering it. Allies and people helpers are also welcome. Just click the link and ANSWER the 3 QUESTIONS.
50 MOST POPULAR BLOG POSTS
Start Here
- What is a Life-Saving Divorce? How Do We Know Half of Divorces are “Life-Saving”? (or watch the video)
- Life-Saving Divorce: Introduction What Is this Book About? (audio and transcript)
- About Me: Why Is a Nice Christian Girl Like Me Promoting Divorce?
- How Can I Get the Book, The Life-Saving Divorce? (Amazon affiliate link.)
Physical and Emotional Abuse & Infidelity
- Help! I Am Alone with the Abuser
- Abuse is Biblical Grounds for Divorce
- “But He Never Hit Me”: Divorce for Neglect, Emotional, and Financial Abuse
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Severe Emotional Neglect: Toni’s Story of Finding Freedom (video)
- 40 Years of Murderous Rages and How I Got Free! Karen’s story (video)
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
- Help! I’m Married to a Cheater: Should I Stay or Go?
- Married to a Pedophile: How I Got Out – Pam’s Story (video)
God Allows Divorce to Protect Victims
- Jesus' Greatest Divorce Sermon - Luke 13 (or watch the Video)
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- Myth: The Person Who Files for Divorce Caused the Divorce
- Jesus Said, "Love My Enemy"—Can I Still Divorce Them?
- But I Thought it Was God's Will for Me to Marry this Person!
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- One Woman's Story: Adultery, Prayer and the Bible
- Is Marriage an Unconditional Covenant or a Conditional One? (Video)
- Does Divorce Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church as John Piper Suggests?
- Divorce and the Good Samaritan Story
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and "God Hates Divorce"
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
How to Find a Good Supportive Church
- Pastors Who Accept Physical and Emotional Abuse as Grounds for Divorce
- 7 Ways to Know if a Church is Safe for Abused Wives (or Abused Husbands)
- Do My Pastors Have a Say about Me Getting a Divorce?
- Good vs. Bad Pastoral Counselors on the Topic of Marital Abuse: 40 People Tell their Stories
- 1 Million God-honoring Divorcees Cannot Find a Good Church
- Church Denominations and Divorce Policies Comparison Chart
- Excommunication for Getting Divorced? What to Do!
- Evangelicals Shooting their Own Wounded Divorcees (video) or blog/transcript
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
- Myth: You Don't Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Sermon Ideas for Domestic Violence Awareness Month - October
- Churches That Block Abused Wives (and Husbands) From Divorcing
- Southern Baptists make Evangelicalism Unsafe for Abused Wives & Husbands
- How Churches Should Handle Abuse Victims (video with Pastor Neil Schori)
Divorce Saves Lives: The Surprising (Wonderful!) Truth About Divorce Nobody Told You
- Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce (Nearly 8 in 10 Are!)
- 10 Facts Evangelical Pastors MUST Know about Kids and Divorce [VIDEO]
- There Is No Divorce Crisis. We have a Sin Crisis.
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
Will I Ever Find Love Again? Dating After Divorce: Good News
- Will I Ever Find Love Again?
- Dating after Divorce: An interview with Gina Kaye
- I Fear I'll Never Find a Healthy Relationship
- Remarriage after Divorce: How Can I Claim to be the Innocent Spouse? I Had My Faults Too!
Finding Happiness and Health After Divorce
- Will the Kids and I Ever Be Happy Again?
- Happiness Either Way: Remarriage or Staying Single
- Divorce May Improve Your Health: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts and Medical Issues
- How My Health Improved Dramatically After Divorce: Karen’s Story (video)
- “I’m Off of All My Depression Medications Now That I’ve Divorced” Schari’s story (video)
- PTSD, EMDR and My Major Health Improvements after Divorce Toni’s story (video)
Thriving After Divorce: These Christians Tell their Stories
- Christians Finding Peace after Divorce: Shirley Fessel, Author (Audio) or (Video)
- 10 Turning Points: Stories of How Others Decided to Stay or to Go
- Married to a Pedophile: How My Kids and I Got Free! (video)
- Finding Joy after a 40-Year Abusive Marriage (video)
- Can I Divorce My Mentally Ill, Destructive Spouse? Yes! Amanda’s Story (video)
- From Bondage to Glorifying God! 5 Survivor Stories (after 20-, 30-, 40-year long abusive marriages)
Self-Doubt, Second-Guessing Ourselves, and Gaslighting
- Am I the One Destroying the Relationship?
- How Can I Call Myself the Innocent Spouse? I Wasn’t Perfect Either (video)
- Is Pointing Out Marriage-Endangering Sin Being Judgmental? (video)
- Myth: He Wouldn't Cheat or Watch Porn if You Gave Him More Sex
- Myth: You're Lying: We'd All Know If Your Spouse Was That Bad
- Myth: It Takes "Two to Tango" and "All Marriage Problems are 50/50"
- How to Handle Criticism When You Divorce (video-3 parts) Natalie Hoffman, Gina Kaye
Children and Divorce: Researchers Give Hope
- Is it Best to “Stay for the Kids”? Sometimes, yes. But Not if It’s a Toxic Marriage
- Researchers Know Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Life-Saving Divorce
- 5 Studies That Say Your Kids are Likely to Be Okay After Divorce (video)
- Marriage Does Not Guarantee Good Kids: 1 in 10 Kids from Married Two-Parent Homes are Troubled.
- Myth 21: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
High Conflict Divorce and Parenting
- Research shows: Your Kids Will Likely Be Fine After Divorce: In Fact It’s Best to Divorce to Get Away From Abuse
- 12 Ways to Document and Protect Yourself in a High-Conflict Divorce
- 12 Tips for Talking with Angry, Alienated Kids
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
Recommended Reading List and Free Resources for Christians and Other People of Faith
Common Myths
- Myth: Your Marriage Would Be Great if You Just Submitted More
- Myth: Divorce will Destroy Your Children, So Stay for the Sake of Your Kids
- Myth: Divorce is the Unpardonable Sin and "God Hates Divorce"
- Myth: You Just Didn't Try Hard Enough
- Myth: You Don't Take God-Ordained Marriage Seriously
- Myth: Your Divorce Will Shatter the Image of Christ and the Church
- Myth: You Must Forgive and Forget Over and Over, Forever
- Myth: 95% of Divorces are for Falling Out of Love
- 27 Myths about Divorce That Probably Don't Apply to Committed Christians
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- Download “3 Studies that Show Kids Are Most Likely to Turn Out Fine After Divorce” (Sign up at bottom of page)
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- Examples of 150 examples of types of abuse (physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, financial, and neglect) and explaining the term "gaslighting," along with many first-person stories, read Chapter 4 in TheLife-Saving Divorce.
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